Melancholy

Imagine how a person would feel if his friend tells him that they wouldn't ever call him in case of emergency, when they need help in any situation, just because the person avoids taking help or gifts from them because he believes he shouldn't be a debtor in anything, believes in equilibrium. The person avoids or resists gifts or things like that just because he is wired that way from childhood. That's what he has been taught by his environment. Maybe since he thinks he can't afford to gift stuff as others do, he resists or doesn't feel good about taking something from someone without paying. This may come across as totally weird to some, and some may even not understand what I am taking about here, but think about the person. How hurt or wrong he might feel thinking that his friend wouldn't take his help just because he resists taking gifts.

Well, people are as diverse as their DNAs make them. Nothing to be done here!

11/25/2016 08:57:00 pm Share:

KK - the most underrated singer !

For example, there was a song in The Killer.......teri yaadon mein khoya rehta hoon......that song must have been heard by all but no one knew the singer.  Similarly Ding Dong Ding Dole was a song....very hit.... played in every wedding around that time. There were various songs like that.....like Kya mujhe pyar hai ya......me.... friends around me.... school mates.... every one used to hum His songs....but no one knew.....and the trend continues.....but I lost my ignorance in or around 2009..... watched the winner of that  season's indian idol express the ultimate wish to meet KK. The name itself made me curious. A short form. I had started looking around singers of songs by then. Knew people like Sonu Nigam, Shaan, Pritam, Mika, Sunidhi, Shreya, Udit Narayan, Kumar Sanu, Alka Yagnik..... but nothing about this guy KK. No source of information at all. Used to watch singer interviews on music channels and those singing reality shows just to know if anyone says anything about these 2 letters - KK. Finally I got hold of the internet through bhaiya's Nokia C001 classic java phone. At that time there was a little info of KK on the internet. But thankfully there was this Wikipedia page with all the discography of Him. And then I came to know that most of the amazing songs we are around , are sung by Him. From then on I kept track of Him.  Sajde Kiye Hain Lakhon from Khatta Meetha and I am In Love from Once upon a time in mumbai were the first songs of KK that I heard after I came to know that these were sung by Him. And there on I fell for His singing. Firstly it was His voice that I fell for. That voice which makes you imagine a young charismatic college going boy of 21-22 with all the coolness and charm one can hold. Then I fell for his versatility. The ease with which He pulls off any tone, note, rhythm or scale. His long vocal range that can go as low and as high as it sounds good with that kind of fresh voice. No boundaries at all. Just take an example of Alvida or O Mama or Abhi Abhi or Soniyo or Tere Bin Ho Na Sakega Guzara or Chadhta Sooraj.. huh....list goes on. The feel and emotion I feel in His singing is rare. That is said for most of the established singers, yet for me what He renders touches the heart. Then the more I got to know him through His interviews, news interviews, radio interviews and all his videos on the internet, I fell for his sense of life. I fell for his personality. His views on life, fame, work. His principles of enjoying this ride. His nature and the person he is.

I am an agnostic, but if I think of myself as a believer, then I know He is God.

11/04/2016 05:30:00 pm Share:

It's not easy.

I have always been a person who prefers sitting alone than being around people. I may be called an introvert. I also wanted to die right few years into my childhood. I am the kind of person for whom living or being dead doesn't matter much. Although given a chance I would certainly would like to be in peace, in death. And this conception of mine isn't new. I had been like this right from the childhood. Well are obvious reasons too but that discussion is out of the scope of publishing since it's extremely personal and involves family.

But in the last 2 years, I have been constantly losing people. First my cousin  brother, right in my own arms. I have seen very few people filled with as much wish to enjoy life the way he did. He was what we call carpe diem. He always lived in the present. Spent without caring a damn about future. And death was the last thing he would think if ever he would. He didn't give us more than a few seconds to save him.

This year dadi (grandfather's sister) right before the marriage of his son, just a few days before, met with a TBI. Spent a month in hospital fighting and finally gave up. I with my grandfather went to cremate her. She was the one in the family who was a role model for everyone as she was so much like her brother in strength, leadership, risk-taker and bold. Always wanted to talk so much to her. Never got that occasion. All this only because my grandfather always talked so highly of her. He from time to time used to tell stories of her youth.

And just as two months had passed, a major blow hit. It was my grandfather. Perfectly healthy, perfectly fine, yet this. There's no explanation to this. The person who was the closest to me on this whole big universal set of people I have come to know in my life. Even as I write this I feel has it really happened or is it not reality. How can this happen. It's just unimaginable. He has just perfect. Neither he was very old that we say it's due to that. But yes, one thing I have known from the first death of my life, my cousin brother's, that it doesn't take more than a few seconds to die. It's that easy.
The man who powered the complete house. The man who was behind every little thing that my family is. The man who was my and most of my extended family's idol. The man who started working at the age of 16 to support his big family of 8 siblings with no father or mother. The man who left everything behind for his brothers, took nothing from them and left for a city, to make his own home with his wife. There are so many deeds of him that I know of. I used to tell him why doesn't he start writing an autobiography but as I know he never had time. He was still working for the us at this age. May it be the opening of locks on main gate in morning, be it bringing snacks or vegetables for the house, be it doing all the calculations of the business, be it advice or plan for stocking for the shop, be it any minor or major problem that the house has come up with. He was the man to he sought for any problem. 

It's not very easy to keep myself normal after having lost so much in such a small duration of time. It's not easy to not cry or cry in silence in the nights when you feel that this has really happened. It's not that  easy to come to terms with this recent blow. Those 20 years you have been living with the person, with his orders, with his jokes, with his stories, with his food, with his teachings, with his Geeta recitals, with his immense knowledge of things, and all of a sudden you realise you will not get scolded anymore by him, he will not be there to tell you his experiences anymore, he will not be there to ask you what do you want and he will not bring you whatever you ask for. 

It's acceptable to not live with him but it's not easy to live thinking that he is not there anymore and I can't see him anymore or touch his feet. He will not ask me anymore to massage his legs.

It's not easy.

9/19/2016 03:58:00 am Share:

Had there been Someone

I wish I had someone by my side now to talk to. Someone other than my relatives. Someone other than my friends. Someone special. Someone whom I could confide myself in. Someone whom I could talk to about anything. My insecurities.  My thoughts. My plans. My hopes. My dreams. Someone who would do the same to me. Someone being with whom I would feel safe. Someone I could always look forward to no matter the lows or highs. Someone to talk to endlessly. Someone who would take away the loneliness. Someone whom just talking to  would provide me with positive fresh energy. Someone whom I too would do the above things.
Enough. That's all for today.

4/12/2016 07:42:00 pm Share:

Fully cured!

Now I know and I am hundred percent certain that I have been cured of this phenomenon called Love. I will be eternally grateful to the entity or hormone or whatever that caused this disease to rip off my soul or mind or body. I am so happy and free now. I wanted this from such a long time.
I don't want to commit this mistake again. It was hell of an experience. I am doing fair if not good right now. I know I will be doing good and I try to achieve that from now on. And yes I also have to spend a little amount of my energy to stay away from this devil - Love. It has always been my request to any fellow human being to stay away from love. It ruins your life. And I say that again.
Thank you.
I am happy again. No more sorrow.

3/21/2016 05:27:00 pm Share: